When my son was about two years old, he would often get upset trying to figure out a new toy — like most toddlers (and let’s be honest, most grown-ups) do. One afternoon, both of us seated on the green and blue squares of the playmat, he tried to shove a circle-shaped block into a square-shaped hole. He wailed, he flailed, and then he threw the block across the room.

After a few tears and a hug I suggested, “Honey, you could try HARDER or you could try DIFFERENT.”

I think this is good advice for grown-ups too.

Because there comes that moment for all of us when we just can’t get that circle-shaped block into the square-shaped hole. We used to be able to! It worked just fine yesterday, but now, today, for some reason, it won’t go.

So what most of us do, especially as women, is try HARDER. We shove, we stay at it longer, we use force. And sometimes it works. Sometimes the hard work, willpower, and hustle pays off. We get the raise, the trophy, the recognition. We pull off some damn impressive stuff.

But what about when it no longer works?

read full post ››

Over thousands and thousands of years — for as long as women have been dependent on others for our food, care, roof-over-our-heads, money, reputation, and personal power — we have learned to see other women as threats.

So when someone else has control over the stuff we need, we can very quickly get into competition with those other folks who might get our stuff instead of us.

It doesn’t have to be that way and there is a way to shift it — which has been one of the brightest spots in my life.

read full post ››

You know the story, right?

When the ocean liner the Titanic hit an iceberg and started going under, obvious panic broke out.

Some passengers shoved into lifeboats, some tried to swim for it. Some of the crew went to work trying to fix the hole in the ship, some simply passed out. But the orchestra that was playing in the ship’s ballroom decided, even in the face of inevitable doom, to keep playing.

I imagine the orchestra members and their lovely wave of music being swallowed — in one achingly slow, languid gulp — by the frigid ocean.

And it makes me think about the work so many of us are called to do, the change so many of us are called to make.

read full post ››

I lived for 12 years, while I was dancing and then coaching, in New York City.

At first I didn’t understand why anyone would want to wear all-black clothing, shoes with platforms, and never look anyone in the eye — which were de rigueur in Manhattan.

But finally I got it and loved it.

Badass boots with three inch soles lifted me off the dirty pavement that I was pounding, and gave height and heft to my meek little frame. All-black clothing told people to stay the F out of my personal space as I went full-force after my dreams. An averted gaze toughened my skin like weathered leather that neither slings nor arrows could pierce.

I felt street smart, savvy, and safe. Like I had superpowers.

Good, right? Yes. Mostly. Sort of.

I had developed some important (Masculine Genius) superpowers, but I was still missing one — perhaps the weirdest superpower ever.

read full post ››

Intuition.

Everyone has it. And yet it can be one of the hardest things to locate in a busy, modern existence.

Everyone needs it. Without it, we are compass-less, adrift in a sea of everyone else’s opinions.

I had to start with a bad breakup so that I could end up with intuition. Want to know why?

read full post ››