Hello dear one,
I would like to give you some ‘good news,’ as it were, when you’re feeling stuck or lost.
And there’s a simple exercise for you, toward the end, as well.
Read on and/or watch the video version of it:
A bit ago on a birthday call, I was describing to my friends this feeling of being in an in-between. Neither here nor there.
A sense I was transitioning from one phase of life, but into what next one I wasn’t quite clear.
I’ve always heard of three life phases for women: Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Or, as I name the less gendered versions: Student/Explorer, Creator/Nurturer, and Elder/Wise One.
I could feel I was leaving
the life phase of
but was not yet feeling
Lisa, one of my friends on this birthday call said something astonishing: that there’s a missing life stage between Mother/Creator/Nurturer and the Crone/Elder/Wise One, and it’s called the Queen.
Oh, my whole soul lit up at that!
(Hi Lisa, love you, sister).
So I want to tell you
about the Queen
and this phase of life.
And I want to offer you some good news — that what is going on underneath the stuckness or the lostness might very well be that you are transitioning from one life stage to another, and that you might very well be transitioning into the life stage that is Queen.
A less gendered version of Queen would be Leader or Wayshower.
This is not the tyrannical, sociopathic Queen. This is the sovereign Queen, the beneficent Queen, the radiant Queen, the Queen who is whole-unto-herself.
Transitioning into the Queen isn’t about turning any particular age, even though for me it did happen to be marked by my 49th birthday.
To get a sense of the four life phases, when you’re in the Maiden/Student/Explorer phase of life, for example, you’re like a puppy, riding on adrenal energy and overflowing with enthusiasm.
This is who you hire for a startup company. This is who you get to ring doorbells and be an activist for your cause.
When you’re in the Mother/Creator/Nurturer phase of life, you’re channeling a wellspring of creative energy, bringing something miraculous into being through your body.
You are visioning and nurturing new life, whether it’s figuratively through something like a business or actually through something like having a baby. Naturally, much of your focus is on attending to the needs and growth and well-being of others — that business or baby, for instance.
And then there is the Queen/Leader/Wayshower phase of life.
This Queen stage of life
is erased by dominant culture.
That is part of why I didn’t even have it in my mind before Lisa reminded me.
Why, you might ask?
Well, the Queen/Leader/Wayshower stage of life is where you are becoming whole unto yourself rather than defining your worth by how desirable you are or how well you meet other people’s needs.
You are less and less defined by dominant culture’s ideals of attractiveness. You care less and less about using beauty as a currency. You are less and less able to please others while selling out yourself. You are less and less manipulatable. You give less and less fu@ks.
You are more and more in touch with your well-being, what brings you pleasure and real confidence, what has you feel erotically alive. You are more and more insistent on an aligned relationship with yourself. You have more and more backbone and audacity.
You have entered into your wisdom years.
When you no longer give two sh!ts
about appearing sexy and attractive
and pleasing and perfect
for everybody all the time,
it would seem that dominant culture
has less use for you.
What use DOES dominant culture have for women in this stage?
What on earth does dominant culture DO with people who are whole unto themselves?
It certainly doesn’t talk about them, let alone celebrate them.
It doesn’t center their lives in popular movies, billboards, stories, or magazines.
In a culture
that erases this life stage,
we first must
And then we have to ignore the silly lies and listen for the powerful truth:
We don’t wither into a pile of dusty irrelevance as we enter into and fully embody this life-stage.
quite the f*cking opposite.
This stage is about discovering a new concept of yourself, about reclaiming your life for you and for those that you love.
This stage is about plugging into an entirely different energy source rather than that of the puppy or the nurturer.
This is about a new-to-you wild, fantastic form of power.
This is about connecting to the wisdom of your own intuitive, instinctual self In order to create what’s next for you.
If what’s calling to you, under the stuckness or lost-ness, is the Queen/Leader/Wayshower, this is not about you fitting yourself into some kind of ideal.
Rather, it’s about discovering how this energy of this life stage wants to live through you.
If this is resonating with you, and you want to know how the heck to get started embodying the Queen/Leader/Wayshower, here is what I suggest:
Follow the breadcrumbs.
By this I mean:
1. Notice where in your life you feel a pull, a tug.
Notice where you feel safe, where you feel really seen, where you feel good about yourself. Where you feel a spark of aliveness or resonance or replenishment or curiosity. Where you feel lit up and turned on.
2. All of these are breadcrumbs. Follow them.
Follow that spark of aliveness. Go in the direction where you feel seen or safe. Respond to the tug or the pull. Say yes to turning up the turn on.
The Queen doesn’t necessarily create this next chapter of her life with a full-blown vision. Certainly not with adrenal energy, willpower, brute force, or pulling from her reserves.
In order to manifest and create
what’s next for her,
the Queen becomes masterful at
and assembling the clues
into something resplendent.
Following the breadcrumbs is a tool I received from my mentor, Ama. (Hi Ama, love you sister!)
It’s one I’ve used at every turn, since I realized I was in the Queen stage, to get me out of stuck places and to assemble what is next for me.
May it likewise be useful to you.
To the wisdom whisper beneath the stuckness,
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It’s the main way that this community grows. It’s the main way life-affirming information and tools reach the hearts that need it.
Whatever it is that you share or however you share it, thank you for doing so.
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