this is a strange post to write.

the last nine months of my life have been some of the darkest and ugliest to date.  soaring bright spots, too, but the low points were remarkably low.

why? how?

when you run your car out of gas to completely empty, the sediment that usually stays at the bottom of the tank starts freely moving through the car’s engine, gunking things up good.

simply put, my ways of building my business, bearing and raising my baby and being a service-junkie ran my tank to empty.  the same ways that worked in the past, stopped working.

with wacky consequences for my little body-mind-soul.

the sediment that moved through my engine was dark, bitter and debilitating.

the truth is, i’m not out of it.

i’m not fully de-gunked.  i’m not totally in the bright sunshine with neatly numbered smiley bullet points to powerpoint out for you.

i know how my story will end: with an undiscovered huge reservoir of my strength, tapped with a sloughing of half-truths, revealing a more luminescent me.  with red hot clarity.  with the kind of sweet laugh that’s only possible when you’ve made it back from the dead, even more alive.

but i’m not at the end of my story yet.

i’m in it.

in the next weeks and months i’m going to do something i’ve never done, which is take you along with me.

usually, i’d wait.

share when i’ve risen, not while on my ass in the middle of the fall.  usually, i’d wait (as maryanne williamson says) to teach from my resurrection rather than my crucifixion.

but i know transparency brings us closer not further apart.

i know vulnerability is the strongest thing i can practice now as someone putting herself out on the skinny branches of empowered feminine living.

because something.  is.  not.  working.

and if it’s not working for me, i’m guessing a similar something’s not working for you.

what the vicious dark beauty of the breakdown is saying is this: “sweet cheeks, it’s.  not.  working.  in case you had any doubt, i’ll shred it now.  stop.  shift it.  fix it.  heal it.  rethink it.  mend it.  you’ll go no further until you do.”

something is not working in my life and biz, and my nine-month fall-apart is part of the feminine’s wisdom to reunite me with My Truth 2.0.  i’m in the middle of a hot, messy, divine breakdown, just as you, my sister, have been or will be soon.

that’s the bitch and the gift of Woman-ing well: the golden thing that worked last lifetime or last year, stops working.  so once again, you gotta birth yourself anew, from scratch.

what i’ve been doing is no longer working.  the vicious, dark beauty of my breakdown has made this abundantly clear.  so, i’m trying something different.

making ugly my temple.

when there’s no blueprint to refer to because that blueprint is so last year, what do we do?  what do i do?  i Listen inward and i Listen with sisters.

there’s no more blueprint for me.  i had a truly fine blueprint that worked really nicely last lifetime and last year, but now all it’s fit for is toilet paper.

so the most courageous thing i can think of doing is cataloguing my figuring-out-what’s-the-what-that’s-not-working, what i want now and how/if to rebuild in a way where i’ll hope to again hit one or two out of the park, and also to make new, interesting mistakes, not the same past mistakes.

i’m going to take you with me as i make my way out of the dark night of this soul.

i have a hunch that on my way through it will show you that you can find yours too.

(i have some other new, lovely things to share with you as well, that have been cooking in the background and will be ready for you to much on soon).

so stay tuned.

i figure you can never have too many temples,