See if you can relate to these 3 different (all-too-common) scenarios …
In them, the patterns that drive self-doubt are born.
Let’s say, when child #1 was young, she could sense how overwhelmed or distracted her caregivers were.
She figured out that if she was ‘good,’ didn’t have any needs, didn’t speak up, and wasn’t a ‘burden,’ then maybe just maybe they’d see her, love her, and cherish her.
The belief is born:
Being needless and voiceless
is the way to feel lovable.
We, like child #1, learn to doubt our inherent worth and lovability.
We figure out that we can cover up that self-doubt by people-pleasing.
The pattern of people-pleasing leads us to believe that if the other people in our lives are pleased, they won’t judge or hurt us.
We believe that if they have THEIR needs met, if THEIR voice is heard, then maybe just maybe then they’ll look up and see us, love us and cherish us.
This is how the pattern of people-pleasing is born.
We try to use people-pleasing to cover up our self-doubt about being inherently worthy and lovable.
But people-pleasing NEVER gives us that.
Or let’s say, when child #2 was young, she sensed her parents’ disappointment at her birth — “not a girl, we SO hoped for a boy.”
She figured out that if she worked twice as hard as the guys and performed her prescribed ‘role’ perfectly, then maybe just maybe she might be able to prove how smart and acceptable she really is.
The belief is born:
Over-achieving and being ‘perfect’
are the ways to feel valuable.
We, like child #2, learned to doubt our value and intelligence, especially because of being female.
We figured out that we could cover up that self-doubt by becoming ‘perfect.’
The pattern of perfectionism leads us to believe that the harder we work and the more we ‘get it right,’ the more we will deserve what we desire.
We think that if we can prove the nay-sayers wrong then maybe just maybe we will finally be recognized and rewarded for our contributions and gifts.
This is how the pattern of perfectionism is born.
We learn to use perfectionism to cover up our doubt about being inherently valuable, intelligent, and capable.
But perfectionism NEVER gives us that.
Or let’s say, when child #3 was young, her caregivers were outright abusive, neglectful, or dangerous.
She learned to scan her environment for possible threats and be ready to leave her body at a moment’s notice.
The belief is born:
Anxiety and hyper-vigilance
are the ways to feel safe.
We, like child #3, learn to doubt that we have the right to be here, to take up space.
We figured out that we could cover up that self-doubt by leaving our bodies.
The pattern of disappearing leads us to believe that if we can fly beneath the radar, then maybe just maybe it might be safe to be in our bodies and in the world.
We think that if we can figure out how not to be here, it might be OK to be here.
This is how the pattern of disappearing is born.
We learn to use self-disappearing to cover up our doubt about having the right to take up space.
But disappearing NEVER gives us that.
All three scenarios
are totally raw deals.
They leave us with painful beliefs about ourselves, our bodies, our worth, about love, and about life, and that put limits on our whole, full Selves.
These kinds of self-limiting beliefs are the birthplace of all the painful patterns that we are all SO ready to be done with:
Putting everyone’s needs above our own.
Not speaking up.
Constantly proving ourselves.
Fear of intimacy.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of being smothered.
Suppressing certain emotions.
Losing ourselves in relationships.
Never rocking the boat.
And, and, and …
But all of this is completely revisable.
There IS a way to feel
inherently worthy, lovable, valuable,
intelligent, and capable,
with the right to take up space.
In your bones. Unshakably.
Because guess what?
You GET to stop efforting to hold everything in place.
You GET to live without the constant thrum of anxiety.
You GET to love with your heart open, your body confident, and your words coming out strong, yet soft.
You GET to have …
… clarity about your next steps, the ones that shape the rest of your life.
… a strong(er) connection to your inner knowing + inner guidance system.
… confidence & backbone.
… the courage to be yourself (in this world that always seems to require you to try to be someone else).
… an aligned, kind relationship with yourself, which is the foundation of feeling whole, worthy, confident & grounded in who you ARE.
… AUDACITY, to launch that dream already.
… more play and pleasure in your life.
You GET to know yourself as
smart and valuable and lovable
and seen and visionary and special
and enough and whole and safe
and joyful and magnificent,
as natural as breathing.
This is my work with clients, for the last two-plus decades.
Belief by belief, pattern by pattern, it is my honor to help you make sense of what is falling away, and to transform family wounds, cultural conditioning, and inherited trauma.
It is my joy to remind you of who you ARE, to guide you where you want to go (and beyond), to never let you settle for less than your magnificence.
An easy, low-cost way to explore this is through a bite-sized package that I call a Metamorphosis breakthrough session.
In it, we’ll first take some time to get crystal clear and specific about which persistent pattern, limiting belief, roadblock, or stuck place of yours will be our focus of transformation.
And then we will transform it.
Learn more about Metamorphosis sessions.
No, we won’t change every life-long pattern in one session.
But we will be able to truly transform the one that we focus on.